A few months ago, I was listening to Moody radio and they asked, “What is something you stepped into, where you had to have total dependency on Christ?” Many called and spoke about brave, heroic leaps in life including job opportunities, moves, military operations, financial risks, business moves, etc.. My immediate thought was this. Right here, what I’m doing in this photo. Homeschool. I fought the Lord tooth and nail. Everything in me wanted to, but everything in me didn’t. I failed the first time around doing homeschool. No, not academically, but strict by a fault in making sure each little subject and drill and test was perfect and each things was standardized. It was not fun. I chose a set standard and didn’t tailor anything to my kid’s or family’s needs. I was exhausted and going through the first stages of the adoption paperwork for Kaselyn back then (which felt like a part time job in itself).
This year, was “THE YEAR”.... ya know, the year you realize you can either cry or rejoice that you have been having babies the entire time you were married and this is the year they would all be at school!!!! Yes, I even had a plan for Kase to do a couple hours of Christian school each week. I never had those thoughts of freedom and normally would get sad, but I started to feel empowered. I have always wanted more and more kids and another baby. When I came to the conclusion that was it, no more babies (I cried for a few weeks), then said, “Lord, we got this, I’m getting more freedom now and this is a gift too.” My time has come! All summer my mind went to Anne Graham Lotz’s book, in her book ‘The Daniel Prayer’ she says: (paraphrasing) “I was home with the kids and wanted to be out and do more ministry, the Lord was preparing me like He did the Israelites in the wilderness as I raised our babies, I had to wait patiently and God was growing me.” I was pumped-up for this year’s new freedom. Then....... slowly bit-by-bit that changed😒. I could hear the Lord whisper, “Not so fast”... I was pushing that voice out- “nope”, “not doing it Lord”. All summer I have had conversations with the Lord- things like this - “You have other “bigger” plans for me, remember, God?” “Remember, I’m done having babies, so this is my time now.” “Lord, remember, more freedom means you can use me more”....
Just weeks before school was to be in session my husband comes to me and says, “I think we need to just homeschool this year.” I wanted to, but then I didn’t, I sobbed my eyes out for 30 mins in a bathroom so my kids didn’t see. It wasn’t because of what my husband said, it’s because I heard God tell me this and was hoping God’s voice would fade..... I was mostly upset that I couldn’t make my own choice but felt the coronavirus chose this for me. No, I’m not scared of the virus- I just vowed I would never E-Learn again or have the kids in masks (no judgment in those comments, but personal conviction). After I had my pitty party that 2020/2021 wasn’t going to be my own “freedom party”, I rejoiced in the freedom of options. I rejoiced in my husband also making the decision for me because I was not capable of thinking outside my self. ••Ladies, God speaks through our husbands -that is a gift to us, even when it is not the news we want. I also rejoiced because I know Illinois is one of the most laid back for homeschool requirements.
I cried for several reasons. My biggest angst was selfish thoughts...I prepped myself for this alone time. I asked myself and told the Lord- “Do you know how much I can get done for your Kingdom?“, “Do you know how many books I could read when the kids go back to school?”, “Do you know how clean my house would be now after months of 5 kids plus quaratine friends in and out?” If only I sent them back... bliss for a few hours! I was set to pour into more ministry full on, and let’s be real, my counter tops, couch cushions and trips to Target with my latte’ will never look the same now😭 (I’m typing that crying, j/k chuckling really🤪). My house is loud. I’ll never be alone this year (that’s like 365 days plus remember that long quarantine?) We don’t have family or a grandparent to swing by and take a load off to help. I can’t go to the bathroom all year without someone saying “Mom?” (Me: “WHAT!?) Them: “Okay, just making sure you didn’t leave us”. In God’s usual fashion, as soon as I stepped into obedience, as soon as I got over myself, as soon as I recognized, “Sorry, Lord I didn’t want to hear you”.... a calm, a peace, a new freedom came over me.
I stepped back into this and only God could nudge me to do so correctly. From that moment my husband and I talked, all I said was- “Lord, if you want this- show the way”.... “I’m not in the mood, Lord, I need your help.”..... Every little piece of learning, every detail has fallen into perfect place. We didn’t rush, we started school late- because God’s timing, right?? It doesn’t follow a certain plan. It’s His way. Each of my kids have tailored curriculums that God put into my lap to help them learn. I didn’t google endlessly for it either. It just came about. Something will pop-up and I’ll pray about it and He has so graciously answered. I have realized more in the last few months God cares about the little details of my kid’s life than any other time before. God cares so much about it ALL. I can’t do pre-algebra and God knew that- I have a tutor twice a week for my older sons’ math. Things that I’m not capable of-God provides. He allowed that to come about so quickly and smooth.
(Photo) My biggest fear was teaching a child how to read. I don’t do it. I can’t. I never have. But, this year- we are accomplishing it, and it’s easy. She doesn’t know all the “names” of her letters, but she knows most the sounds. She reads to me. She asks to sit on my lap. My son who has always struggled with reading has finished several chapter books and writes paragraphs now. We focus on what to strengthen and relax on the stuff that’s busy work. God has loved me “lavishly” and given me more freedom than I ever thought I would have.
Even though my countertops are full of school books and materials (we don’t do a special homeschool room), my couch cushions are worn down, my kids fight, my pantry is no longer perfectly detailed, I don’t have time to read ALL my theological books, my trips to Target are hardly ever alone, my laundry is insane, and I am hardly ever alone.... This has been a sweet, sweet, time in our lives. I have been stretched so far in my faith this year but recognizing full dependency on the Lord has been such a gift. But, in order to get to that dependency it felt like jumping off a cliff waiting for Him to catch me.. He has made avenues of calm, avenues of me still being mom and not getting lost in “teacher.” He has revealed so much to me about my marriage, my kid’s and the heart of my children... they are truly the biggest ministry of all (wow, I hope I don’t mess this up🤣 j/k).
So, just as I drove and Moody Radio asked the question.... ask yourself- What is the one area in life you have had to have totally dependency on Christ?
Dependency on Christ Bears Fruit:
John 15: 5-8
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me(I) and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”
“Apart from Him I can do nothing.”